Posts Tagged Humor

this old dog

English: Lifting a mini car and platform with ...

English: Lifting a mini car and platform with my legs. Total weight 1,500 lbs (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I used to sit right up in bed
almost without any warning
now, I have all kinds of options
to get up every morning

I can roll off the bed
if my legs are aching and sore
and with a little luck and talent
I will land with my feet on the floor

or if my legs are good to move and lift
and I’m feeling all full of ambition
I’ll lift my legs and rock to pivot my body up
into a simple sitting position

or if my legs and my back both hurt
I can inch my way to the edge of the bed
until I slide off feet first onto the floor
trying not to fall onto my old gray head

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2 Comments

I’ve got a girl and she got me

Sculpture of a Dancing Girl, Bubaneshwar

Sculpture of a Dancing Girl, Bubaneshwar (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve got a girl and she’s so, so extreme
she’s outa this world if you know what I mean
I’ve got a girl and she’s so, so mean
she don’t really luv me as sad as it may seem

I’ve got a girl with balls of brass
she’s a real fine lady but she ain’t got no class
I’ve got a girl and she’s made of glass
she says it’s over and all good things must pass

fold me, cold me, mold me, told me
hold me, hold me, hold me, hold me

I’ve got a girl and she broke me down
she just laughed and said I was a clown
I’ve got a girl and she’s the talk of town
she threw me into a river of tears and left me to drown

I’ve got a girl and I thought she was the one
she was full of spirit and so, so much fun
I’ve got a girl and her phaser was set on stun
but now it’s all over and I’ve been left all undone

fold me, cold me, mold me, told me
hold me, hold me, hold me, hold me

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6 Comments

back by popular demand

The love bug (also known as lovebug, march fly...

The love bug (also known as lovebug, march fly, honeymoon fly, telephone bug, kissybug and double-headed bug) (scientific name Plecia nearctica) is a small flying insect common to the southern United States, especially along the Gulf Coast. It is most often known as a serious nuisance to motorists. Usually they come in pairs, but only one shown in this picture. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

once upon a time, in January of this year
I wrote a little humorous post in my blog
about an anonymous ecard scam I got in my email
but later I deleted it when someone got in a fog

and somehow thought that I had sent it to them

now it is back by popular demand
because people search for it on google every day
looking for the secret of their anonymous love
that has sadly led them astray

and I felt that I owed the truth to them

so, please don’t be confused
since, I am not the infamous love bug
and I only just posted about it
because it seemed funny to this old mug

and I don’t want to have to delete it again

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2 Comments

soap opera joe

Little Professor

Little Professor (Photo credit: unloveablesteve)

good Rockwell calculator joe
says “hey I guess it’s time to go”
Joe wants to go out and see
the pretty miss calculator T.I. 33

poor miss calculator T.I. 33 cries
as she flashes her LEDs and lies
“sorry Joe, but I can’t get out and go
for tonight my batteries are so low”

miss calculator T.I. 33 has flipped her silicon chips
for the big iron of IBM System/360 and all his MIPS
but being the snobbish mainframe computer that he is
he will ignore her for a Data General minicomputer named Liz

meanwhile, poor old calculator Joe
tried to kill himself in the freezing cold snow
but his foolish effort was a total failure
and his owner locked him away in a bottom desk drawer

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6 Comments

he’s called the Stig

The Stig at the British International Motor Sh...

The Stig at the British International Motor Show taken on July 23, 2006. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

some say he was born on the day
that man invented the wheel
and when it comes to driving
he really has the feel

round and round the track
he goes anonymously racing in top gear
faster and faster, burning rubber
with absolutely no fear

no one knows for sure
who or what is in his silent racing suit
but he cannot be overtaken
in any futile effort of pursuit

for every man on Earth
his job is the ultimate gig
but all we really know is
that he’s called the Stig

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3 Comments

she’s a real keeper

Young beautiful woman lying on a bed

Young beautiful woman lying on a bed (Photo credit: LyndaSanchez)

I love to run my hands
over her soft plush euro curves
and with her I can curl up tight
safe for the entire night

she comforts and cradles me
with cozy warmth when I’m cold
from all my daily tensions I am freed
as she offers me all the support that I need

she beckons me in her soft but firm way
to join her each and every night
though it is not exactly what it seems
I share with her my very private dreams

she rests on a firm foundation
just the perfect size for me
yes, I think she’s a real keeper
my Serta Peachwood Perfect Sleeper

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6 Comments

wow now brown cow

Norwegian Brown Cow

Norwegian Brown Cow (Photo credit: caruba)

I wanted to wrap her naked body up in diamonds and furs
but instead I find myself standing in the kitchen cooking
a dinner for two from a Pasta Roni box which I slowly stir

I wanted my words to her to explode and to sparkle and to wow
but somehow they came out with all the excitement
of a slowly moving cud chewing cow

so how now brown cow, grazing in the long green grass
isn’t it time for something special in our lives
that we can see without looking through a magnifying glass?

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9 Comments

ballad of the crafty caterwaul

CAT look

CAT look (Photo credit: http://www.guigo.eu)

the crafty caterwaul was singing at the moon at noon
so I looked at my watch and I knew it was far too soon

she sank into an abyss surrounded by primordial giant cyclops
waiting for aliens to visit while singing along to her ipod

all the house cats looked at me as if it was all my fault
then I looked over my shoulder and was turned into a pillar of salt

the bunny in the backyard outran our little barking dog
while digging holes looking for a way out of this crazy yard

then the caterwaul gave me a fearsome look as if she may have to gut me
and I prayed to the gods of humor to set my chained spirit free

then the solar powered Christmas lights came on without explanation
while the caterwaul said some words which refused google translation

so I crawled into my easy chair attempting to blog my cares away
but for me and the crafty caterwaul, this is just another day

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1 Comment

delete permanently

Dont Panic

Dont Panic (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

the spam comment promised me a cure
for panic attacks that I didn’t even know I ever had
just click here to stop all the panic attacks
that unbeknownst to me must be making me feel so bad

it promised a simple click to a cure
that could stop all my anxiety attacks now
just click here to end all those endless
anxiety attacks that must furrow my heavy brow

so simply, all I had to do was click here
to stop all my unnecessary panicking and anxiety
but instead, I thought it would be more effective
to just click on “delete permanently”

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1 Comment

the worst of times, the best of times

For a good time

For a good time (Photo credit: quadrant6ix)

the worst thing I’ve done
since I don’t know when
was to ignore the writing in the sky
and not to stand up and admit to all my sins

the best thing I’ve done
when I went to spend my very last dime
was to read the writing on the wall
and to call up Sheniqua for a good time

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1 Comment

lithuim, lamentations and love

English: An American Lady butterfly against a ...

English: An American Lady butterfly against a cloud-filled sky. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I wonder if all our minds are somehow interconnected
by some as yet undetected electromagnetic mental force
so I sit in my room for hours and try to think good thoughts
and hope that for all that is evil, I am not the source

my mom

my mom was called manic-depressive when I grew up
and I remember thinking Lithium was such a miracle
when she began taking that instead of all those tranquilizers
my life became a little bit less satirical

“remember to put the dog in the dishwasher”
she once drowsily mumbled to me after school
I knew she meant to feed the dog and to do the dishes
for my momma didn’t raise no silly fool

imagine a big black and white springer spaniel
with his whole body wagging with love
springing out of a little kitchen dishwasher
and shaking water off like you never dreamed of

my dad told me many years later that mom tried
to take infant me and run out the front door one day
yelling that I was the antichrist or the devil or something
I guess I’m lucky dad was there and didn’t let her have her way

I suppose since my mom said that I’m the antichrist
I’m coming off as something of a disappointment to you
sorry about that, maybe later I’ll figure out
just what evil it was that I was supposed to do

my wife

many years later, sometime after our second child was born
my wife was diagnosed as suffering from bipolar disorder
not sure if the new name for the same old thing helps or not
maybe it does, but that’s really a tall order

and I never saw this mental illness coming
but dad later told me he knew all along
perhaps I was blinded by bipolar love
and I should write that as my life’s theme song

or maybe reincarnation, that’s the ticket
in a past life, I must have been one hell of a heel
must have spent a cruel lifetime working overtime
stacking my future karmic deck with the cards that I must now deal

I got up one day and my wife was crying
she said someone was following her in a white van
wearing a white wig and trying to kill her
which isn’t the kind of thing for which I had any game plan

later they said she also suffered from schizophrenia
that knowledge didn’t really help me much
although they have so many new drugs besides lithium
all the dolls: haldol, risperdal and such

and each drug they tried created an alternative reality
a new woman in my wife’s body that I hadn’t met before
just a little different than the woman that I once knew
and a little scary standing there in my bedroom door

one day the county Sheriff knocked on my door
he found her out bowling in the middle of West Linne Road
he never told me if she struck out or not, he just pointed out
a bowling alley in the street was against the local building code

my daughter

now, my final heartbreak for my daughter also suffers
and the doctors sit and argue whether she is bipolar or schizophrenic
no one can explain why the medicine doesn’t seem to be working
so sometimes I wonder if the whole world is pathogenic

my sweet daughter used to be so close to me
she once gave me a card on a mother’s day
saying that I was both dad and mother to her
now when she sees me she often just runs away

at least she is taking her meds and sometimes is doing ok
but the doctors still don’t really seem to have a clue
so I now I am back where I started
wondering if perhaps I am the source of this sadness, too?

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12 Comments

it’s just words patented po-it-tree algorithm

Fig. 2 ''The distance between various areas of...

Fig. 2 ”The distance between various areas of memory are randomly selected, indicated by a half-head arrow. For example, the gap between the stack and the top of memory is random in magnitude. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

first randomly select a set of tags from my current tags
but weighted to maintain my current distribution
use a primary tag to select random topic, secondary tags for subtopics

next select a final zinger line apropos to the topic
from a database of topical quotes or personal sayings
break it into clauses and re-sort it in a random fashion

then randomly select one of my favorite rhyming patterns
for example, two line stanzas both lines rhyming
or four line stanzas with second and fourth line rhymes

next select the number of stanzas, usually two or three
because I like to keep things short and simple
but occasionally add a few more to keep myself guessing

if rhyming, randomly select sets of rhyme words for each stanza
then use more searches to find on topic sentence fragments
that could reasonably end with those words without sounding stupid

add in lines without rhymes using a contextual algorithm
linking noun to noun or verb to verb using alternating databases
with either networked hierarchy or linked contextual nodes

if alliteration flag is set then re-parse through words
looking for synonyms with similar consonants or vowels
or pronunciation stress marks and transpose

next allow Zemanta to analyze and come up with a list of pictures
randomly select one with preference for matching node words
if picture has description, loop back to see if any lines can be adapted to match

finally select a title phrase by randomly alternating between
an existing fragment or something based upon picture description
or anything even remotely on topic

populate appropriate tags as previously selected
and then publish on a word press blog like this one
repeat entire process at least once daily for good health

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2 Comments

Sure. Fine. Whatever.

Syzygy

Syzygy (Photo credit: ecstaticist)

sometimes, nothing seems to go right
the world is all mixed up and strange
and you know you are not where you are supposed to be
so, maybe it has to do with the way the planets are arranged

or it could just be that life is one big tragic comedy
and that fate has a great sense of humor
with the keystone cops chasing on every channel
but someone forgot to let us in on the nasty rumor

what if there’s no point to all our grand scientific methods
and it doesn’t matter in the end whether we smile or frown
oops, be careful not to run that stop sign
while we are racing to get out of this crazy town

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4 Comments

whatever happened to the four food groups?

The USDA's original food pyramid from 1992.

The USDA’s original food pyramid from 1992. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What is it that they are teaching the kids these days about diet and nutrition? Some sort of food pyramid?  It sounds so complicated to me.  How the heck are you supposed to eat six servings of something in a day?  Are we supposed to have second breakfasts, like hobbits?  And how many servings are there in a foot long Subway, anyway?  I was taught the four basic food groups. That is simple, balanced and so elegant. It’s been many years since I was in public school. Let me see, if I can remember them all:

  1. fast food
  2. frozen food
  3. junk food
  4. Pizza

Yes, my memory is foggy, but I think those were the four food groups. To this day, I’m very careful to eat a well balanced diet based upon these four food groups.

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4 Comments

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